Archive for the 'Anxious masculinity' Category

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating!

Or, why Zuzu prefers to scratch the itch without getting emotionally involved at this point.

After reading some of the responses to this guest-post by Linnaeus over at Feministe, I decided that I’d give OK Cupid a try. It’s been a while since I’ve done any real online dating-dating, at least not since Nerve went from a buy-credits-to-send-emails model to a per-month-charge model, along with a really ugly site redesign. And since I don’t really get out all that much anymore, I’m not meeting a whole lot of men through activities (yes, I need to change that, for reasons apart from meeting men. I’m working on it). Mostly, I’ve been on, ahem, “alternative” personals sites for the aforementioned itch-scratching, but that’s been hit or miss, too. But at least there are no illusions, and few games, because everyone knows what you’re there for. Not that it keeps some guys from freaking out anyway, but that’s not my problem.

Anyway, for various reasons, I’m looking for a little something more. So in goes the toe.

I signed up Thursday, my profile got approved Friday, and I began filling it out and answering questions this morning. The first email I got was while I was still filling out the profile, and asked me why no picture. Had I known how that one would end up, I’d have ended it right there. But more about him later. Continue reading ‘Welcome to the wonderful world of dating!’

Why so angry?

So I’m reading this piece in Broadsheet the other day about a new paper on a study demonstrating that white women are most affected in terms of salary and promotion for being fat,* and against my better judgment, I looked in the comments. As you might expect, the usual suspects brought up the usual moral panic about fat people and healthcare (as do the commenters at a posting on the New Economist’s blog about the study, and their comments are even worse), but one person made an interesting observation:

In addition to the “you can if you really WANT to,” the “prove yourself” and all the other self-help that is more useful and more kindly meant, people have bought up the insensate, profane and semi-literate rage that is often expressed by men and women alike when the subject of obese white women is dragged into editorial columns yet again.

From the especially vitriolic women, I think it’s a way of women establishing superiority over other women while expressing fear of losing status in their subtext. “I’m not like that. I’m not fat. I’m not disgusting. I’m special — but, oh God, what happens if I gain weight? No, I’ve got to hate this so I won’t and can maintain my special perfect thinness.” Barf. And many of them do.

From the especially vitriolic men, it’s “how dare these THINGS not do everything they can to ‘prove themselves’ in our eyes, but instead OFFEND those eyes. They’re not LISTENING TO US.” These characters, especially the semi-literates, seem to think it’s the right of every man, regardless of how he looks, to have arm candy of his very own and to judge women who don’t meet that standard for whatever reasons. Thyroid, anyone? Water retention? How about pregnancy? Want a woman with a big belly to hide out lest your eyes be offended? Repeat after me, and without four-letter words, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

I really wonder if this is the extent of it. The gibbering and incoherent rage that comes up when this subject is raised is really astonishing, especially that from men, and especially men who seem to think that they’ll be FORCED to find fat women attractive if fat somehow becomes acceptable.

Which I always think is rather revealing, because who’s to say fat women think you’re attractive, punkin?

But I do think this status thing ties into this terror of having to accept fat people, particularly fat women, and especially particularly fat white women. It’s like some kind of advance case of cooties or something, where the very idea of being seen as accepting a fat person as a human being might contaminate that person. And I’m sure a lot of it is simple social anxiety and far too much emphasis on status and the “market value” of one’s mate (which seems to be a big thing in libertarian circles these days). Because you might secretly be attracted to fat women, but you wouldn’t want anyone else to know about it, so you have to loudly proclaim how disgusting they are.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if there weren’t a significant feeling that fat women — you know, the kind of women who are supposed to be unattractive and unsuccessful at love — are getting away with something by having sex and relationships and being seen as attractive while not in possession of a body that shows proper conformity with the prevalent standards of beauty and the time, money and energy required to achieve them.

Thoughts? Why do you think there’s so very, very much anger and seething rage directed towards fat people, and especially fat women?

________

* There was no effect on the wages of white men, and black men actually benefited from gaining weight (probably because they were seen as less sexually threatening or something). Black women had an interesting wage progression: the thinnest black women made less than average-sized black women, but wages declined if they got heavier (though not as significantly as they did for white women). One commenter suggested that part of the disparity could be explained by white women getting a premium for being thin.

Hmm, interesting twist

Larry Craig now says he just may not resign after all:

“It’s not such a foregone conclusion anymore, that the only thing he could do was resign,” Sidney Smith, Craig’s spokesman in Idaho’s capital, told The Associated Press.

“We’re still preparing as if Senator Craig will resign Sept. 30, but the outcome of the legal case in Minnesota and the ethics investigation will have an impact on whether we’re able to stay in the fight — and stay in the Senate,” Smith said.

Craig, a Republican who has represented Idaho in Congress for 27 years, announced Saturday that he intends to resign from the Senate on Sept. 30. But since then, he’s hired a prominent lawyer to investigate the possibility of reversing his plea, his spokesman said.

He probably should have hired a lawyer to begin with, rather than mailing in his plea deal and expecting everything to go away.

I’m actually pretty happy that he’s deciding to fight being pushed out of the Senate over this. Oh, don’t get me wrong — the schadenfreude of all these moralizing Republicans, particularly those who, like Craig, had plenty to say about Bill Clinton, getting caught up in one sex scandal after another is like Christmas in August. But hell, why should Craig be forced out for a sex scandal that hadn’t even yet involved any sex when David Vitter, whose name appeared on the DC Madam’s phone list, is encouraged to stay?

Well, except for the fact that Vitter’s replacement would be appointed by a Democratic governor, and he went to a female prostitute, we have an answer. Of sorts:

[Mitch] McConnell, R-Ky., disputed there was a double standard in how GOP leaders reacted to Craig’s case and to the admission in July by Sen. David Vitter, R-La., that his telephone number showed up in 1999, 2000 and 2001 phone bills of an escort service that federal authorities say was a prostitution ring.

In Vitter’s case, “there have been no charges made,” McConnell said, adding that the alleged wrongdoing occurred before Vitter was a senator.

Craig, by contrast, pleaded guilty to a crime, McConnell said. “The legal case was, in effect, over. At that point, the question was for the Republican leadership, what would be our reaction to it,” he said.

Ah, yes. Because it’s the filing of charges that makes all the difference!

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Okay, maybe not. Delay actually didn’t step down until it was obvious that he wasn’t going to win re-election. It wasn’t the corruption charges.

I don’t really know what the Senate rules are regarding service after being convicted of a crime, but I would imagine they’re loose enough that low-level misdemeanors such as disorderly conduct — which is what Craig pleaded to, and what five members of Congress were arrested for outside the Sudanese embassy — are gimmes. Vitter, if the story is to be believed, participated in a crime of a more serious sort, with all sorts of potential for coercion and economic disparity. Mark Foley preyed on Congressional pages, who are not only underage, but entrusted to the care of the Congress.

The more I’m reading about the Craig case, the more I’m convinced that the cop jumped the gun — while the signaling was well-known in certain circles, how can you possibly argue that the intent to have sex then and there in the stall was crystal clear? My understanding of the foot-tapping and hand-waving code is that it’s incredibly elaborate for a couple of reasons — one, because it resembles certain things one might innocently do in a stall (tap one’s toes, wave a hand underneath a stall to get paper, checking for occupancy), it doesn’t necessarily draw attention to itself. And two, if the overture is made and either no signals or the wrong signals come through, then it’s clear that the other guy isn’t into it, and you move on. This will save you a beating. The whole point, then, is to prevent unwilling straight guys from even realizing they’re being cruised:

That said, what results! In minute, choreographic detail, Mr. Humphreys (who died in 1988) illustrated that various signals — the foot tapping, the hand waving and the body positioning — are all parts of a delicate ritual of call and answer, an elaborate series of codes that require the proper response for the initiator to continue. Put simply, a straight man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.

Why? The initiator does not want to be beaten up or arrested or chased by teenagers, so he engages in safeguards to ensure that any physical advance will be reciprocated. As Mr. Humphreys put it, “because of cautions built into the strategies of these encounters, no man need fear being molested in such facilities.”

Mr. Humphreys’s aim was not just academic: he was trying to illustrate to the public and the police that straight men would not be harassed in these bathrooms. His findings would seem to suggest the implausibility not only of Senator Craig’s denial — that it was all a misunderstanding — but also of the policeman’s assertion that he was a passive participant. If the code was being followed, it is likely that both men would have to have been acting consciously for the signals to continue.

But a lot of guys seem to think that the toe-tapping is lewd in and of itself, and an actionable sexual assault and far worse than any kind of harassment a woman has to put up with on the street and deal with despite the absence of undercover cops waiting to bust catcallers and frotteurs. Certainly a few self-described liberal guys on the threads here, here and here thought so (and many more disbelieved the stories the women on the threads were telling about being harassed, demanding proof).

I would imagine this kind of butt-clenching terror that a gay guy might hit on you is one of the forces driving the GOP parade of outrage over this.

Mind you, what would be really refreshing would be if Craig started taking a look at the kind of discrimination, legislation and morals policing that drives a lot of men, men like Larry Craig, to seek anonymous sex in public restrooms, instead of living out and proud in their communities and loving whom they wish.

But I won’t hold my breath.

Dear Heineken,

Women drink beer, too.

If you’d like women to drink your beer, perhaps you should rethink ad campaigns like this one:

That’s right up there with those Volkswagen “Fast” commercials. Remember them?

Count me as one consumer who will not be buying either a Volkswagen or Heineken.

Love,
Zuzu

Visible bra straps = jerking off in public

At least, that’s what a city councilman in Atlanta thinks.

ATLANTA - Baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs would be illegal under a proposed amendment to Atlanta’s indecency laws. The amendment, sponsored by city councilman C.T. Martin, states that sagging pants are an “epidemic” that is becoming a “major concern” around the country.

“Little children see it and want to adopt it, thinking it’s the in thing,” Martin said Wednesday. “I don’t want young people thinking that half-dressing is the way to go. I want them to think about their future.”

The proposed ordinance would also bar women from showing the strap of a thong beneath their pants. They would also be prohibited from wearing jogging bras in public or show a bra strap, said Debbie Seagraves, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Georgia.

The proposed ordinance states that “the indecent exposure of his or her undergarments” would be unlawful in a public place. It would go in the same portion of the city code that outlaws sex in public and the exposure or fondling of genitals.

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Felon!

Melissa McEwan did a brilliant post at her now-down site, Shakesville, which illustrated the white male privilege that a similar ban in a town in Louisiana demonstrated: she not only noted that visible underwear never seemed to be a problem before it was displayed by young black men and young women rather than white men, she illustrated it, IIRC, with a photo of, essentially, white man’s plumber’s crack and boxers peeking over the top of a young black man’s pants. One was not the subject of legislation, the other was. Guess which was which.

I have to be honest — I find it endlessly amusing when I see young men with their pants belted around their thighs. Because, seriously, it’s just stupid, and doesn’t seem very practical. Though, frankly, I haven’t seen that going on for a while. Maybe it takes a little longer for these things to filter down to Atlanta or something.

Even though this is cast as some kind of neutral thing, it’s clearly targeted to certain populations. I even got a taste myself of the kind of selective enforcement of these things when I went to Louisiana to volunteer after Hurricane Katrina. I stayed in a camp run by FEMA and staffed with armed Wackenhut guards. We were not to cuss, or fuck, or do anything that might offend the sensibilities of the churchy folk who comprised most of the camp. And one of those things that offended the sensibilities of the churchy folk was low-riding pants and visible underwear.

But of course, this was not enforced in any kind of even manner. Personally, I’d bought pants that were a size too big because I thought I was that size, they were on sale, and what the hell, not gonna try on pants that were five bucks. So on the job site, I used duct tape to make a belt. But at the camp, I used shoelaces or nothing, which meant my old, fat ass hung out with visible undies for all to see. Did anyone care? No. Or, not that anyone told me.

But my 18-year-old, thin, blonde teammate? I was following maybe 10 feet behind her as she walked by an armed guard while wearing pants that were slightly loose and a top that showed a slight bit of her midriff. And he admonished her for her temerity at showing flesh. I walked by not five seconds later, showing even more flesh if you’re going to measure by the square inch, and nothing.

Gosh, could it have the slightest bit to do with who makes white guys uncomfortable, whether racially or sexually?

Might.

Four harmless ways to make him jealous, but still reassure him that you won’t be doing anything silly like *really* developing your own interests

Mysteries of the Sexes Explained! And, oddly enough, those explanations serve to reinforce traditional gender roles.

Ladies, if you want to keep your man, lie to him to make him jealous, but not too jealous.  You want to be sure to be firmly under his thumb, but not crushed by it.

Step one: Make him think you’re cheating.

Stay Up Later Than He Does

And make sure you’re logged in. When he says he’s going to bed, tell him you’ll be in later, that you just have a few things to look up on the computer. Not that he doesn’t trust you and not that you’re going to check up on an ex or two, but he doesn’t know that.

And his wandering mind may just think you’re up to something. And the thought that you might be means that you’ll soon be getting more attention than David Beckham in the Los Angeles airport.

Invite the papparazzi into your bedroom!

Remember, under no circumstances should you stay up later because you’re doing something you enjoy.

Step two: Pretend to have a social life that does not include him.

Have Drinks with Friends

He knows you talk. He knows you talk more when you’re with friends, especially when you add drinks to the mix. And he cares deeply about how he’s portrayed in your version of the media - that is, your social network - and how he stacks up against other men. Go out and compare notes with the girls, and selectively report back on the findings of the kangaroo court. He may be less likely to give you damning evidence to report.

The only reason you should have friends of your own, ladies, is to make him jealous of the time you spend with them. In no time at all, he’ll be chaining you to the radiator and monitoring your calls! You’ll have no end of his attentions then.

Step three: Feign an interest in something he likes.

Click on ESPN.com

Read up on the latest sports happenings, and bring them up later to your man. When he asks how the heck you knew Padraig Harrington won the British Open, tell him that a couple guys from work were talking about it.

The thought of you playing Erin Andrews (sports reporter for ESPN since 2004 … C’mon, stay with me here!) around the coffee machine will make him steam without totally burning. (Note: Anything you do with male colleagues that’s potentially frisky will infuriate him - and can potentially backfire on you.)

Because we all know that women only talk about sports when they want to flirt with other men! And it’s so charming when he won’t let you leave the house for work lest you have frisky sports-related conversations around the coffeepot. But you’ll know you have him wrapped around your finger then. If your finger isn’t too scalded from getting hot coffee thrown on it by a jealous boyfriend.

Step four: Make him think you might be better at something than he is, but let him win.

Whoop Him

Challenge him in something physical - whether it’s in an upcoming 5K or in your regular yoga class. It’s hard for even the least competitive men not to feel antsy when his woman is stronger, faster, or more flexible than he is.

He’ll say it doesn’t bother him when you cross the finish line first or scratch your ears with your toes. Plus, research shows that even a little healthy competition can ignite your sex life. Don’t push the Venus Williams act too hard, though, or he’ll wonder if his losing streak will send you in search of a man who’s faster, stronger, and better.

Or he’ll go after you with a tennis racket.

Running the numbers

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Isn’t it interesting how nobody ever really questions statistics that bear out some version of reality that “everybody knows!”

EVERYONE knows men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic strategy that evolved to help men spread their genes far and wide. The strategy is different for a woman, who has to go through so much just to have a baby and then nurture it. She is genetically programmed to want just one man who will stick with her and help raise their children.

Surveys bear this out. In study after study and in country after country, men report more, often many more, sexual partners than women.

One survey, recently reported by the federal government, concluded that men had a median of seven female sex partners. Women had a median of four male sex partners. Another study, by British researchers, stated that men had 12.7 heterosexual partners in their lifetimes and women had 6.5.

And of course, that statistic gibes with reality — or at least, what we tell ourselves is reality — the Way Things Are, Naturally. And because it does that, newspapers and other media outlets just keep repeating that statistic as if it’s God’s Honest Objective Truth. After all, someone else had it in their story, and they must have fact-checked it, and it was in a book somewhere, so that’s good enough for me!

Well, except for the part where it’s mathematically impossible. Continue reading ‘Running the numbers’

The girl’s guide to hunting and fishing

Well, not that girls in one municipality in Nova Scotia will get a chance to fish during their day camps this summer:

HALIFAX – Nine-year-old Lydia Houck was looking forward to a day of fishing, hiking and golfing when she browsed through a list of summer day camps offered near her Nova Scotia home.

But the only option that fit her interests was just for boys.

In contrast, the only all-girl camp, dubbed Glamorous Girls, offers jewelry-making and a trip to the spa for manicures and pedicures for girls aged five to 12.

Lydia says she’d rather be fishing.

“It was really frustrating that they were being discriminatory and they were saying that boys should look forward to doing this and that girls shouldn’t do this,” Lydia, who will be entering Grade 4 in the fall, said in an interview from her home in Windsor.

“My brother and I go fishing a lot and I enjoy going outside a lot, and this camp seemed to fit that description and it was pretty much the only day camp that did.”

The Municipality of the District of West Hants offers three other day camps that are co-ed – a trip to an amusement park, a day at the waterslides and a pirate-themed excursion into Halifax – but Lydia said none of them sounded as fun as the camp for boys.

The municipality says the idea for next Monday’s spa day came from similar all-girl day camps elsewhere in Nova Scotia, with at least one Halifax-area community staging its own spa event for young girls this summer.

West Hants recreation director Kathy Kehoe denied the camp lineup is discriminatory and said there are no plans to reverse the decision before the event for boys takes place on Tuesday.

Oh, no! It’s not at all discriminatory for a municipality to officially enforce gender conformity. Girls just naturally love spas, and boys just naturally are inclined to fish. It’s just The Way Things Are. Continue reading ‘The girl’s guide to hunting and fishing’

Be yourselves, girls: order what you think he’d approve of you eating in front of him

Dating plus food plus the New York Times’ gender-role fuckery. A perfect storm of idiocy!

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MARTHA FLACH mentioned meat twice in her Match.com profile: “I love architecture, The New Yorker, dogs … steak for two and the Sunday puzzle.”

She was seeking, she added, “a smart, funny, kind man who owns a suit (but isn’t one) … and loves red wine and a big steak.”

The repetition worked. On her first date with Austin Wilkie, they ate steak frites. A year later, after burgers at the Corner Bistro in Greenwich Village, he proposed. This March, the rehearsal dinner was at Keens Steakhouse on West 36th Street, and the wedding menu included mini-cheeseburgers and more steak.

Meat, the magic marriage bullet! Oh, if only I had thought to order a steak or a hamburger on my first dates, I, too, could be married to a smart, funny, kind man who owns a suit (but isn’t one), and we could have winked at our mutual love of meat by having just the cutest little mini-cheeseburgers at the wedding!

Oh, wait. Except for the part where I *have* eaten steak on a first date, having been taken to a steakhouse.

And I’m single anyhow. Hm. Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe Martha will tell me what it is:

Ms. Wilkie was a vegetarian in her teens, and even wore a “Meat Is Murder” T-shirt. But by her 30s, she had started eating cow. By the time she placed the personal ad, she had come to realize that ordering steak on a first date had the potential to sate appetites not only of the stomach but of the heart.

Red meat sent a message that she was “unpretentious and down to earth and unneurotic,” she said, “that I’m not obsessed with my weight even though I’m thin, and I don’t have any food issues.” She added, “In terms of the burgers, it said I’m a cheap date, low maintenance.”

Silly me! I’m not thin, and Martha is. She can eat cow; I’m just compared to one. Continue reading ‘Be yourselves, girls: order what you think he’d approve of you eating in front of him’

More on the pay gap

It’s not just getting married and having kids that’ll cost you pay if you’re a woman — being perceived as “angry,” especially if you’re an executive, will get you penalized:

[Researcher Victoria Brescoll] conducted three tests in which men and women recruited randomly watched videos of a job interview and were asked to rate the applicant’s status and assign them a salary.

In the first, the scripts were identical except where the candidate described feeling either angry or sad about losing an account due to a colleague’s late arrival at a meeting.

Participants conferred the most status on the man who said he was angry, the second most on the woman who said she was sad, slightly less on the man who said he was sad, and least of all by a sizable margin on the woman who said she was angry.

The average salary assigned to the angry man was almost $38,000 compared to about $23,500 for the angry woman and in the region of $30,000 for the other two candidates.

In a second experiment, the script was similar except that the job applicant also described his or her current occupation as a trainee or a senior executive.

“Participants rated the angry female CEO as significantly less competent than all of the other targets, including even the angry female trainee,” Brescoll wrote. She said they viewed angry females as significantly more “out of control.”

That impacted salaries. Unemotional women were assigned on average $55,384 compared to $32,902 for the angry ones. Male executive candidates were assigned more than trainees, regardless of anger, with an average $73,643.

Continue reading ‘More on the pay gap’