Probably fully half of the men who’ve sent me actual emails on OK Cupid (as opposed to woos or adding me to their Favorites list) have been married polyamorous guys.
I’m not opposed to such an arrangement on principle (I certainly think that if you can do the emotional work and be really honest, it’s healthy to acknowledge that you probably shouldn’t be relying on one person for all your needs), but I’m really in the market for a primary relationship. And a guy who’s already married isn’t going to be quite as available as I’d like.
Sigh.
They really are polyamorous, or they say they are?
I haven’t verified any of it, but I figure talking openly about being married is a good start. Better than those guys I had dates with a couple of weeks ago who said they were single but mentioned SOs while actually on the date.
As far as I know, I never ran into that, but I had a LOT of awkward coffee dates where topics like that would have died on the vine. I guess there are some advantages to being an uptight priss like me.
A friend of mine who was doing internet dating ended up running into a lot of married men who didn’t bother to mention their wives until the second date, and in suburban Illinois, no less.
I did have the “prince” who knew we would never be long-term because I didn’t put out on the first date. He was a real winner. (And, seriously, had the smallest penis I have EVER seen when I did finally put out on the second date, so no big loss in the long run.)
OK Cupid seems to have a lot of people who say in their profiles that they’re married and polyamorous. For a while I entertained myself by showing Joel all the pretty married polyamorous bisexual women who best matched me, and teasing him that I would ask them out. But I’m just talk that way, married and monogamous.
Bizarre. On the sites where you look for NSA and married but looking wouldn’t be a problem, the attached guys lie. But at OK Cupid, where you’re looking for unattached guys, the attached poly guys show up… ???
I have to say, the one advantage to a site like eHarmony (stupid as it is) is that at least you’re probably getting people who are looking for a relationship and not just a little something on the side.
But, again, I guess it’s good that they’re honest and not pretending to be single until you actually meet them. At least you know not to waste your time since that’s not what you’re looking for.
That possible (maybe) advantage doesn’t outweigh the disadvantages of what kind of relationships they’re looking for. eHarmony kept matching me with conservative, redneck gun nuts and divorced guys who wanted mommies for their kids. WTF?!?!?
As an actual poly-tended gent, my favorite tactic to suggest to women who are dealing with guys who claim to be poly or in an “open” relationship is as follows: “Oh, you’re married? Can I meet her?” Obviously, you have to progress the conversation beyond the preliminaries to gain the opportunity to ask that question, but it’s all kinds of fun if you’re willing to put in the work to get to that point.
I know, Zuzu, that you’re not interested in the poly boys even if they are for real, but it’s a good time nonetheless. It’s funny to watch a prominent majority scurry away like cockroaches from the kitchen light when you suggest that they demonstrate their open and honest relationship by introducing you to the primary. Fact is, eHarmony has put the notion of the background check in many folks minds. It’s just easier to claim polyamory when looking to cheat than to take the chance at being found out. Additionally, these guys figure that by advertising their married state in this way, they’re more likely to pick up only women interested in unattached sex.
Call them onto the carpet, by god.
I know, Zuzu, that you’re not interested in the poly boys even if they are for real
Why would you say that?
Actually, I do ask if I can call or meet the wife/SO. It seems to work well to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
That possible (maybe) advantage doesn’t outweigh the disadvantages of what kind of relationships they’re looking for. eHarmony kept matching me with conservative, redneck gun nuts and divorced guys who wanted mommies for their kids. WTF?!?!?
Oh, I totally agree. I just can’t think of another place off the top of my head that’s explicitly aimed at finding a primary relationship, not just casual dating.
I should have done more of my own research before I signed up with them — they’re not just geared toward “primary” relationships, but extremely traditional/conservative ones.
Some people I know had good luck there (one is marrying a guy she met on eHarmony), but I didn’t stop to realize that what folks making the recommendations had in common was a desire for a more traditional power balance in their love lives. My being feminist, Wiccan, and “artsy” made it pretty much inevitable that I was in the wrong place.