Or, why Zuzu prefers to scratch the itch without getting emotionally involved at this point.
After reading some of the responses to this guest-post by Linnaeus over at Feministe, I decided that I’d give OK Cupid a try. It’s been a while since I’ve done any real online dating-dating, at least not since Nerve went from a buy-credits-to-send-emails model to a per-month-charge model, along with a really ugly site redesign. And since I don’t really get out all that much anymore, I’m not meeting a whole lot of men through activities (yes, I need to change that, for reasons apart from meeting men. I’m working on it). Mostly, I’ve been on, ahem, “alternative” personals sites for the aforementioned itch-scratching, but that’s been hit or miss, too. But at least there are no illusions, and few games, because everyone knows what you’re there for. Not that it keeps some guys from freaking out anyway, but that’s not my problem.
Anyway, for various reasons, I’m looking for a little something more. So in goes the toe.
I signed up Thursday, my profile got approved Friday, and I began filling it out and answering questions this morning. The first email I got was while I was still filling out the profile, and asked me why no picture. Had I known how that one would end up, I’d have ended it right there. But more about him later.
The next couple of guys were unsuitable for one reason or another relating to their profile (hint: when you talk about spearing women with your big ol’ dick, that’s not exactly a chick magnet, and while it’s nice to get emails from guys 500 miles away, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for). Then I got an IM from a guy with an interesting profile. However, my browser hates IMs and popups, and it went to email. Here is the entire exchange, save for his final response, which I’ve already deleted:
Him: IM Transcript: youre goregous
Me: Thanks! Sorry about the IM; it seems to hate my browser.
Him: Call me [phone number in a toll-call area code] [real name]
Me: Um, no. WTF?
He responded with something contrite, but I didn’t respond. Why would he think I would call him on his demand, at my expense, having exchanged only two brief sentences?
But back to the first guy, the one who asked me why I had no pic. After I told him that my profile was brand-new and I hadn’t yet finished filling it all out, he sent me an email entitled “cute smile” after I did upload a face shot. This is how that conversation went:
Him: you look half hidden.. are you an out there girl?
Me: That depends on what you mean by “out there.”
Color me out of practice, but I thought this was a flirty way to get him to explain what he meant, because it wasn’t entirely clear to me (and, frankly, his profile was a little pretentious, so it could have meant anything). But here’s how he responded:
Him: i dunno.. just someone out there.. playfull sexual kinky happy loud mouthy y Your a lawyer though. I mean you guys are trained to be linear in your thoughts and in our boundries.. Im not sure we wouldnt frustrate the hell out of each other..
Charmant, non? “You’re a lawyer, so you must be linear and no fun, whereas I am a free and kinky spirit, and clearly we will not get along.” Shows you how many lawyers he’s ever hung out with. Besides, if he only knew what I was wearing in the photo from which I cropped the face shot…. But anyway.
It all devolved from there. Observe:
Me: Why would you assume that I am my job?
Him: im asking more than assuming.
Me: You certainly assumed that I would be linear in my thoughts and “boundries” and that we would frustrate the hell out of each other. Based only on what I do for a living.
You could have simply explained what you meant by “out there.” Now you may never find out.
Okay, perhaps throwing his spelling mistake back at him was a bit much, but I was pissed off. Then it not only got bad, it got weird:
Him: No tits no blah blah blah. shoo.
Me: Oh, honey, if you think I don’t have tits, you’re quite mistaken.
You’re also rather a glaikit.*
Him: i think you do have tits. that was just the easiest way to put the final nail in so to speak.
Me: I’m sorry, was that supposed to be the devastating coup de grace? Am I supposed to be bleeding from that fatal blow?
And because I am an obnoxious bitch who needs to have the last word, I deleted the final email he sent in response without looking at it and blocked him.
I wonder, however, if I’m reading this situation right. Am I being oversensitive and prickly, or is he really a Nice Guy™ and a misogynist bullet best considered dodged?
_______________
*Which is a word I picked up from Mr. Shakes. Who met Liss online, in the kind of scenario that is both romantic and makes me wonder why the hell things like that never work out for me.
He thought he’d be able to disarm you by figuring you all out. Dumbass.
Hey lady, I’d like you to climb into this little box. It turns you on, yes? Yes? Suck my dick.
You know, this is exactly why I’m reluctant to put my education/occupation on these things.
Him: you look half hidden.. are you an out there girl?
He was asking if you were into BDSM.
The trouble with avoiding men is that after a period of time you begin to think that the asshats are the exception, rather than the rule. It is very courageous of you to have another go at it.
You are not being overly sensitive or prickly, to my mind. The Latin term for this guy is “asshat.” Maybe he thought he was being funny and edgy with the lawyer comment, but it comes across to me as neither. And there’s no way to parse his tits comment so that it comes out other than creepy.
Those are my linear thoughts, anyway.
Here’s a big hint about OK Cupid (I met my SO on it): Keep answering those questions. And take quizzes. The more you answer, the more specific your matches will get, and thus the lower percentage of douches who you will be stuck having inane IM conversations with. Even if you think it’s not working, keep doing it anyway. I met someone pretty fast, but my SO said he was on it for a good year before meeting me. Hopefully your experience will be closer to mine than his!
P.S. Even if you redact your occupation from your profile, I’d still tell him ASAP to see if he gets weird. You want to know sooner rather than later if someone is going to get weird about that.
Am I being oversensitive and prickly, or is he really a Nice Guy™ and a misogynist bullet best considered dodged?
No and yes. If your instincts say run, listen. My experience with internet dating is pretty useless as I ended up marrying the first guy I corresponded with and we’ve been blissful for 7 years now. Results not typical! Luck seems to play a huge role, but I echo Meowzer on being specific. And really, really don’t put up with any crap.
Yay glaik!
I don’t think you’re being oversensitive and prickly, either, but, more importantly, even if you are, who cares. I was oversensitive and prickly re: dating. If you have to expend effort to get through the first conversation without being annoyed, fuck it.
No exp. with OK Cupid or any dating/social site save LJ and some old MOOs/MUDs.
My experience says that rather than converse with the guy at all, I would recommend you cut them off at the knees on first offense. These sites deal in volume, especially at the start. There are thousands of fish in the sea. Be specific. Be demanding, at least at the start. Be sure you make no compromises.
If they fit you better later on, be more merciful then. At First Impressions time is not the time to compromise about your standards.
What about the “Call me” guy, though? Too harsh?
Nah, he spelled “gorgeous” wrong, he’s not for you.
Seriously, though, if you want to take the time to educate these guys on why they’re being rude, go for it. But you owe them nothing. I doubt you’d have gotten anything more from him than a quick lay, anyway, because it sounds like that’s all he was interested in.
What about the “Call me” guy, though? Too harsh?
If that had happened halfway into an otherwise good conversation, I might have said something like “Is that a demand or a request?” to see how he responded. But two exchanges in? No chance.
The call me guy was a glaik. I’d have been tempted to fire back ‘U R NOT TEH BOSS OF ME’ and then block his IM/emails.
The other guy at least saved you the trouble of wasting any more time on him by being an asshole right away.
We joke here that one reason we will never get divorced is that the dating scene is a sucking black pit. After 20+ years together if either of us has any bad habits left they are ones the other kind of likes.
Hey there. I know IOU a call, hon, but year end shit at work has been bonkers. Having said that…
Yeah, this is why I don’t use dating sites anymore. Really.
You want a real laugh, go to JDate, but that’s another whole story. I have never seen a site so infested by 40-and-50-something divorcees who think that some 20-something is going to drop their lives and go play Nice Jewish Mommy to their 3 kids from their last marriage. Meh.
I agree with Malcolm — be picky. Given how many people are on those things, and the ratio of men to women (usually about twice as many men as women), you can afford to be. I was pretty unmerciful and still ended up with a bunch of coffee dates, two real dates, and a husband.
It’s the one time you can treat dating like online shopping if you want. Don’t make a full judgement based on e-mail, but don’t feel too bad about ignoring idiots.
Phone calls are good once you’ve exchanged a couple of good e-mails. Too much e-mailing can be counterproductive.
I’m really lucky I was doing the internet dating thing from a site with no pictures, because I am anti-photogenic. Seriously, the only good pictures of me were with an expensive professional photographer and a professional makeup job.
I did not have a great experience with OK Cupid but YMMV. There are a lot of spammers, or at least have been in the past (the men with the funny English who just happen to be “working” in Africa). I only met one man in person - he apparently had some type of high-functioning Autism - and there was one man who seemed interesting but then he tried to have phone sex on our first phone conversation.
Oh did I mention I gave up on online dating?
I’ve done okay with OKCupid, though not spectacularly. I get a lot of decent matches, I’ve met a few folks. My most negative experience was just recently a guy who sort of had a ribbing sense of humor who pointed out how noticeable my eyebrows were. I don’t know if he was trying to do a pickup “insult you so you feel defensive and try to prove yourself” thing or what.
I’ve put right out in my profile that I’m feminist, pro-choice, and that I write slash. I don’t want to waste time with people who can’t handle it.
Meowser is right, be sure to answer a lot of questions and fill out a lot of tests. And don’t feel obligated to reply at all if you just don’t want to.
Oh, and another thing I’d advise: If you meet someone you think you like even a little bit, ask for a coffee date as soon as you think you feel comfortable with him, if he doesn’t ask first. But the key is, make sure you DO feel comfortable with him first. Exchanging a few E’s first before meeting and making sure he doesn’t put up any immediate douche-markers is not unreasonable at all.
Glaikit! A good Scots word — among my favorite Scots adjectives, next to crabbit (adj. foul-tempered or cantankerous).
Good luck with the online guy-search. There’s a high frog-to-prince ratio, I know.