If you put up an ad on an online personals website, and you have an SO, the ethical thing to do is to disclose the fact that you have an SO, either in the ad or during the email exchange prior to the first meeting.
Not to, you know, drop it casually during the first date and then get huffy about how it shouldn’t really matter because it isn’t really serious even though we live together, and anyway, you never asked.
Also not cool: the “Now that you mention it” disclosure about an SO when a potential date is telling you about the failure of another date to disclose an SO, coupled with the insistence that I said so in my ad! even though the only hint as to the existence of such a person is that ”Prefer not to say” is given as marital status. Which is the default option.
The prevailing ethic seems to be, “say whatever will get my foot in the door. Explain later. Maybe.”
it shouldn’t really matter because it isn’t really serious even though we live together, and anyway, you never asked.
As someone who’s in that same situation (poly, live with my girlfriend, but I’m more of a tertiary boyfriend to her), I have to agree that there’s no excuse for this. Sure, it’s harder to explain a poly situation than it is to just gloss over it, and there’s no guarantee that your prospective date will be okay with the idea of dating you. But being honest is still the right thing to do.
If you’re not poly, but just cheating, well, I guess the behavior’s just par for the course.
He got awful quiet when I asked if I could call her and make sure she had the same understanding of their relationship that he did.
“Sure, it’s harder to explain a poly situation than it is to just gloss over it, and there’s no guarantee that your prospective date will be okay with the idea of dating you.”
Even if it weren’t the only ethical thing to do, it would still be a good idea.
If they’re not okay with it, they’re probably at least not going to be angry with you if you’re upfront from the get-go, which gets less and less likely the more they have invested in the situation before they find out. Hell, even someone who would have been okay with it would be justifiably upset over the information being withheld.
“He got awful quiet when I asked if I could call her and make sure she had the same understanding of their relationship that he did.”
Nice. At least you found out he was a douchebag before you bothered with a second date?
Ah, internet dating. I only had to meet 14 guys before I met G., and I think that’s on the low side.
I think my ad was sufficiently nerdy that I didn’t get too many other kinds of weirdos, at least. The PhD candidate in physics was my “one that got away.”
that is just lovely. well, I hope your overall luck with the internet dating is better than mine. I keep wondering if my standard are just too high, and/or why the hell people are so damn weird. Are you doing the big-box dating sites or local ads?
It’s a big-box site, but it’s not really a “dating” site so much as a cut-to-the-chase site. I’ve found myself disappointed with “dating” and all the baggage that attaches to it, so I’ve stayed away from more-traditional sites for a while. Plus, Nerve changed its payment structure and format and isn’t any fun anymore.