I guess I’m getting a little philosophical now that I’m in the last year of my 30s. I feel in some ways the press of time more than I have before, but that could just be all the cultural messages I’ve absorbed over the years that your life is pretty well over at 40. Which, objectively, I know it’s not — I mean, how many fabulous people do I know over 40? — but it’s still such a Big Birthday. It seems like the dividing line between youth and middle age. And how can I be middle-aged already?
Then there’s the what-am-I-doing-with-my-life stuff.* So many of my college and law school classmates have families, are partners at their firms, own houses in the suburbs, have lives so unlike mine. And it’s not like I want lives like theirs — from an early age, I’ve known I don’t want kids, I decided early in my career I didn’t want to do what it took to even have a chance at making partner, and you couldn’t pay me enough to live in the suburbs — but comparatively speaking, I feel like I’ve been standing still.
Well, if I can’t be a stunning professional and personal success, at least I can be happy, right?
Or I can try, at any rate.
Mind you, there are a lot of things I can try. One of the first has been to adjust my diet; I’m still in the process of transitioning to a near-vegan/pescetarian whole-foods-based diet. It’s not terribly easy, and I’ve had to be a lot more vigilant about cooking for myself in order to make it work. It’s forced me to be a lot more creative in my cooking and in my restaurant habits. Even getting coffee in the morning is a challenge, since I don’t especially care for Starbucks and I think they’re overpriced, but they do have soymilk. The roach coaches which are my preferred caffeine delivery systems? Not so much. So, getting up a little earlier so I can brew my own and have time to drink it becomes important.
But the changes are starting to have a positive effect on the way I feel. I’m certainly getting in a lot more vegetables (for instance, I made a veggie chili the other night with many squash, a whole head of broccoli,** and a giant container of baby spinach; even the chocolate cake I made for my birthday had zucchini in it), though I need to work on the fruit. I’m even noticing a greater sense of well-being, though I’m not sure if that’s physical, from improved nutrition, or if it’s psychological, because I’m doing something to take care of myself instead of lapsing into self-abusive behavior.
Speaking of which, I’m also in the process of giving up drinking. I say “in the process,” because even though I’m not drinking right now, relapses are not unknown. After all, I have untreated depression and I am prone to self-medication. Though I have noticed that I’m most successful at not drinking when I’m following the whole vegan thing. Psychological boost again?
I definitely get a thrill from lifting weights, especially when I get to put the big plates on (and yay! I just recently moved up to the 35-pound plates for my deadlifts! I remember when I couldn’t even lift the bar) , but I’ve been really remiss about doing any sort of cardio because I find the gym boring. So I’ve been starting to run. And, other than the problems with my knee, it’s been great. And maybe I’ll even start getting out of bed sooner. But since things are going well, I’m allowing myself to start planning on my first half-marathon, and the one after that (and, with any luck, the marathon the year after).
And then there is the matter of being realistic about the status of my relationships with other people, such as unrequited crushes, erstwhile friends, long-term NSA guys, and, for that matter, bosses. And the answers are, “He’s not that into you, let it go”; “Downgrade to acquaintance”; “Stop seeing him because you really don’t *like* him anymore, and it’s not worth hanging out with someone you don’t like anymore just because you know he’s going to install a hot tub at his new house”; and “Get the hell out of that job ASAP.” These are hard, because there’s always the sense that you could have done more, or that you could have done something different, and it’s just difficult to admit defeat. But in the end, you can’t force people to treat you the way you want them to, so the answer is often to just move on and let go of the self-recriminations.
The most productive thing I could do before I turn 40 is probably to improve the relationship I have with myself. I can’t force anyone else to treat me better, but I can damn well make sure that I treat myself right.
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* Seriously, am I having an actual mid-life crisis?
** My evil ex-roommate, who is from Texas, found my addition of broccoli to chili to be highly offensive. She decreed that I could not refer to it as “chili” in her presence. Since she didn’t seem to be too arsed about getting the rent paid on any sort of regular schedule, I felt free to disregard this decree.
I can empathize with this in so many ways. What you’ve written reflects a lot of what I’ve been feeling over the past couple of years.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a little younger than you, but still closer to 40 than I am to 30. I’m going through the very same what-am-I-doing-with-my-life anxieties that you are, and the same kinds of comparisons and contrasts with friends who have families, kids, houses, money in the bank, etc., help to trigger these anxieties. Like you, I know I don’t want the lives that they have, but it’s hard for me to escape the feeling that they’ve got their shit together and I don’t.
It’s difficult for me to shake the feeling that I’m in some kind of extended adolescence. I’m in a Ph.D. program now, and I started it before I turned 30. Years later, I still haven’t finished (but I’m hoping to change that by next summer). Thing is, if being a grown-up means living a Everybody Loves Raymond style of life and essentially not enjoying myself anymore, well, I don’t want that. I still like to go out for happy hour on Fridays. Sometimes *gasp*, I still want to stay up all night. I’m not ready to give up the things I’m apparently supposed to give up, especially considering that I didn’t do those things much when I was younger.
Personally, I think the notion of a mid-life crisis is a bit flawed, in the sense that we figure that only poorly-grounded people have them and if you just followed the script, you wouldn’t have to deal with it. Why wouldn’t we reassess our life from time to time, given that we can’t predict the twists and turns our lives make? I did it when I entered college, I did it when my first career flamed out, I did it when I entered grad school, and I’m doing it now.
It seems to me that you’re following the sensible route: refocusing on yourself and the changes you’d like to make. Like you, I’m trying to improve my health with better diet and exercise. I’m a fairly slender guy, and I’d like a bit more mass. I’m rethinking my career plans and what I’d like to do with myself by next year. I’m looking to finish my dissertation or come to the realization that it’s not going to get done because I don’t want to do it anymore and finding something else to do with myself (the latter will be particularly difficult when I’ve invested so much of my own self-image and sense of self-esteem in grad school).
We’ve got this idea that we’re supposed to have it all figured out by the time we’re 40 and that we’re supposed to just fade into the background. Well, that’s bunk, because we know even the most well-adjusted people have their problems and that sometimes, reaching middle age is a time of greater excitement and productivity.
This is going to sound really corny, but I have to say that the line from Lord of the Rings makes sense: “All who wander are not lost.”
You may proceed to laugh now.
Chili just tastes better with broccoli in it.
Zuzu,
1) Fuck the 2.5 kids and a wicker fence thing–I know that you and I are of a like mind on this. Career roadblocks can make all of this feel worse, but believe me, following your heart will keep you sane in the end.
2) Congrats RE dietary improvevments! My own next big health move is my followup endoscopy on Friday. In any event, when we see each other again. it’ll be for some nice vegetarian grub–I have a few places in mind.
3) Keep up the good work and be happy you’re not stuck in a shit job WITH a shit husband and sole caretaker status of those 2.5 kids.
4) My favorite line RE growing old: Fuck you if you don’t want to fuck me!
So there.
The most productive thing I could do before I turn 40 is probably to improve the relationship I have with myself.
I’d go so far as to say that’s the most important thing a person can do at any age. Congrats on all your efforts.
How important it is to be excellent to yourself. It’s doubly important in our difficult, underappreciated line of work, where we are ranked as having about the same stress levels as air traffic controllers, where 52% of us want to be doing a different line of work.
I have 2.0 kids in the suburbs of Baltimore. I could as easily point to you and say “Damn! How I have limited my life! I am in the suburbs of a dull, scary city, replete with sole provider burdens, lack of mobility, and Zuzu is living life at warp speed! Zuzu can probably see a movie without engaging in negotiations with anyone (spouse, babysitter, etc.) She is probably two subway rides at most from the places I am DYING to go visit, but don’t dare leave money on the table let alone spend it on myself on a bus ticket north when my wife is alone w Sam and Noah. Damn, Zuzu has it made - how did she do it and why am I in @&**O$&$ Reisterstown??!!”
You are fabulous, Zuzu. Be proud.
Wait a minute….you made a pot of chili with broccoli in it? Damn girl, you musta been farting up a storm!
Y’know, the folks I know who followed the standard script—marry young, have kids, stay in the same job, etc. etc.—they seem to have a helluva lot more angst over getting older. Or, as another sister in my Local said about our union president, “Oh look, there’s (Brother X) in his midlife crisis car” while I laughed wickedly. But it’s so damn true, all the Ward Cleaver types in the Local who all of a sudden are tooling around in hot cars, or have a new Harley, or get tattoos. Nothing wrong with any of that; it’s just….why wait? What were they waiting for all this time?
I think that’s where it comes from—the realization as you get older that in fact, you really don’t have all the time in the world. You’ve had the opportunity to attend a certain amount of funerals, and then—”shit, what am I waiting for? I’ve always wanted to do xyz—I’m gonna do it!
I will say this—I have a child, am a homeowner, am active in my union, etc. and because of that I spend a lot of time on autopilot. I think it insulates me from feeling some of the angst I “should” be feeling since I turned forty this year. So, if you know folks who better fit “the script” who don’t seem to display a whole lot of agita about milestone birthdays—-chances are damn good that it’s not because they’re so “together” or have life “all worked out” or whatever, it’s just because they’re too damn busy to think. I’ve got about an hour a night (if I’m lucky) to mull over my midlife crisis and its possible solutions. And then I fall asleep.
Hey, keep up the good work on your workouts! I’ve noticed what I think is a body-chemistry change as I’ve gotten older; if I miss workouts, I’m prone to depression. Which is exacerbated in the winter, when there’s less sunlight. Staying active and getting outside helps me beat the blues. You may notice the same thing—take your “emotional pulse” on your busy days when you don’t have the time for your normal level of physical activity, and compare it to the days when you had a good sweat. That’ll help keep you motivated to not miss a workout, even on those days when something hurts, or you’re getting a cold, or whatever. For me, it’s a dramatic difference anymore—I need to exercise the way I need oxygen.
And of course, never miss a chance to treat yourself right.