Archive for September, 2007

Whoohoo!

Not only did I have a good run* this morning, but timely application of an icepack both when I first got home and then when I got to work has prevented my knee from stiffening up and refusing to bend!

One has to look for victories where one can.

_______

* Despite getting derailed almost from jump because Miss Thing decided that nothing would do but that she had to take a dump 30 seconds after I started, in spite of the fact that I’d been walking her around for 10 minutes prior to getting underway.

Self-Care

I guess I’m getting a little philosophical now that I’m in the last year of my 30s. I feel in some ways the press of time more than I have before, but that could just be all the cultural messages I’ve absorbed over the years that your life is pretty well over at 40. Which, objectively, I know it’s not — I mean, how many fabulous people do I know over 40? — but it’s still such a Big Birthday. It seems like the dividing line between youth and middle age. And how can I be middle-aged already?

Then there’s the what-am-I-doing-with-my-life stuff.* So many of my college and law school classmates have families, are partners at their firms, own houses in the suburbs, have lives so unlike mine. And it’s not like I want lives like theirs — from an early age, I’ve known I don’t want kids, I decided early in my career I didn’t want to do what it took to even have a chance at making partner, and you couldn’t pay me enough to live in the suburbs — but comparatively speaking, I feel like I’ve been standing still.

Well, if I can’t be a stunning professional and personal success, at least I can be happy, right?

Or I can try, at any rate.

Mind you, there are a lot of things I can try. One of the first has been to adjust my diet; I’m still in the process of transitioning to a near-vegan/pescetarian whole-foods-based diet. It’s not terribly easy, and I’ve had to be a lot more vigilant about cooking for myself in order to make it work. It’s forced me to be a lot more creative in my cooking and in my restaurant habits. Even getting coffee in the morning is a challenge, since I don’t especially care for Starbucks and I think they’re overpriced, but they do have soymilk. The roach coaches which are my preferred caffeine delivery systems? Not so much. So, getting up a little earlier so I can brew my own and have time to drink it becomes important.

But the changes are starting to have a positive effect on the way I feel. I’m certainly getting in a lot more vegetables (for instance, I made a veggie chili the other night with many squash, a whole head of broccoli,** and a giant container of baby spinach; even the chocolate cake I made for my birthday had zucchini in it), though I need to work on the fruit. I’m even noticing a greater sense of well-being, though I’m not sure if that’s physical, from improved nutrition, or if it’s psychological, because I’m doing something to take care of myself instead of lapsing into self-abusive behavior.

Speaking of which, I’m also in the process of giving up drinking. I say “in the process,” because even though I’m not drinking right now, relapses are not unknown. After all, I have untreated depression and I am prone to self-medication. Though I have noticed that I’m most successful at not drinking when I’m following the whole vegan thing. Psychological boost again?

I definitely get a thrill from lifting weights, especially when I get to put the big plates on (and yay! I just recently moved up to the 35-pound plates for my deadlifts! I remember when I couldn’t even lift the bar) , but I’ve been really remiss about doing any sort of cardio because I find the gym boring. So I’ve been starting to run. And, other than the problems with my knee, it’s been great. And maybe I’ll even start getting out of bed sooner. But since things are going well, I’m allowing myself to start planning on my first half-marathon, and the one after that (and, with any luck, the marathon the year after).

And then there is the matter of being realistic about the status of my relationships with other people, such as unrequited crushes, erstwhile friends, long-term NSA guys, and, for that matter, bosses. And the answers are, “He’s not that into you, let it go”; “Downgrade to acquaintance”; “Stop seeing him because you really don’t *like* him anymore, and it’s not worth hanging out with someone you don’t like anymore just because you know he’s going to install a hot tub at his new house”; and “Get the hell out of that job ASAP.” These are hard, because there’s always the sense that you could have done more, or that you could have done something different, and it’s just difficult to admit defeat. But in the end, you can’t force people to treat you the way you want them to, so the answer is often to just move on and let go of the self-recriminations.

The most productive thing I could do before I turn 40 is probably to improve the relationship I have with myself. I can’t force anyone else to treat me better, but I can damn well make sure that I treat myself right.

_______

* Seriously, am I having an actual mid-life crisis?

** My evil ex-roommate, who is from Texas, found my addition of broccoli to chili to be highly offensive. She decreed that I could not refer to it as “chili” in her presence. Since she didn’t seem to be too arsed about getting the rent paid on any sort of regular schedule, I felt free to disregard this decree.

Because I R SMRT

It just occurred to me that if my knee feels fine when I wake up, then sort of irritable after a run, IT JUST MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA to take an anti-inflammatory and perhaps make use of an icepack afterwards.

Possibly.

Durr.

Relief

I took the hint.  I went away already.

I came to the realization that if someone just isn’t willing to put in the effort, no matter what they say, no matter how many times they protest that, yes, yes, I want to make the effort – they’re not really willing to put in the effort.  That by their actions they’re making it clear that you’re not worth the effort.

But that works two ways, of course.

I took the hint.  And anyone who thinks I’m not worth the effort is not worth the effort, either.

On getting older

I’m going to be 39 on Sunday. That’s one of those ages that you always have to follow with, “No, really!”

When I turned 29, all I could think about was turning 30, and then when I turned 30, I realized it wasn’t really anything to dread. I suppose the same will happen with 39 and 40.

My health is reasonable, though I do have to get into better shape, which is harder to do every year. I *do* wish my knees didn’t suck so much, though. Making me feel all old and decrepit.

Then, of course, there’s the looming sense that I’ve squandered a lot of time, in particular with my career. What am I doing now? I’m basically in the same place I was 7 or so years ago. Sure, I have a degree from a fancy law school, but I’m working by the hour in a job I really can’t stand, making very little money because my rate isn’t what I’d like it to be and they won’t let me work more than 35 hours a week. I have no insurance, no savings, but plenty of debt. At least I own my apartment, which is huge.

But where do I go from here? What do I do for the next 26 years, until I hit retirement age?

And I suspect I’m cursed romantically. I have great first dates, and even pretty good second ones, when they happen. And then something unaccountable happens, and the guy inevitably disappears on me. Any feelings I have for anyone else are, without fail, unrequited. And, apparently, unwelcome.

Like, scalded-cat unwelcome.

Why-do-I-not-just-fucking-get-it-already-and-go-away unwelcome.

Bah.

I should quit being all morose and just finish my damn CLE already. New York makes your attorney registration renewable every two years on your birthday. “Happy Birthday! Now give us $350.”

At least they remember.

UPDATE:  Oh, Jesus Christ.  I really didn’t need this, too.

More Saturday food blogging — Sausage, Kale and Butternut Soup With White Beans

Mmmm, tasty. This is one of those throw-it-all-in-a-pot kind of soups, so all measures are approximate.

sausage-kale-and-butternut-soup.jpg

  • Olive oil
  • Onions, diced (I used 4)
  • Enough garlic to make you happy, minced (I used a whole head, albeit a small one)
  • Vegetable broth, several quarts (really, enough to fill whatever pot you’re using)
  • Veggie Italian sausage, crumbled or sliced thin (I used 4 links)
  • Butternut squash, 1 whole, peeled, seeded and cut into chunks of a manageable size
  • 1 big can of cannellini, drained and rinsed
  • 1 can diced tomatoes (I used a small one)
  • 2 bunches or so of kale, washed well and chopped roughly
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Heat the olive oil in your stockpot; add onions and sautée until translucent. Add garlic and sautée a while longer. Add vegetable broth, squash, sausage, beans and tomatoes. Simmer for about half an hour, then add the kale and simmer until it wilts but still retains its green color. Adjust seasonings, and enjoy.

And, of course, if you wanted to make a non-vegetarian version of this, you could just use regular Italian sausage and chicken broth.

Saturday food blogging: Portobello and Tomato Risotto

I ran across a box of rice while taking stock of my cabinets, so I decided to make risotto.

risotto-with-tomatoes-and-mushrooms.jpg

  • 5 1/2 cups broth (I used a light vegetable broth, and since I didn’t have any wine around, I threw in the extra half cup), kept hot
  • Olive oil
  • Onion, chopped finely
  • Garlic, minced
  • 1-1/2 cups risotto rice (you could use arborio, but I had carnaroli, so I used that)
  • Portobello mushroom caps, sliced
  • Tomatoes, cut up
  • Salt and pepper
  • Herbs, if you got ‘em. I didn’t.

Heat the broth in a pan and keep warm on low (Alton Brown recommends using an electric kettle, but I don’t have one, so I used the stove). Meanwhile, in a heavy-bottomed pan or skillet, heat the oil (you can also use a butter/olive oil combo) over medium-high heat and throw in the onion. Sautée until translucent; add the garlic and sautee for a few minutes more. Now add the rice and sautée for about 2 minutes, then add the mushrooms and about a cup of the broth. Lower the heat and stir pretty well continuously until the liquid is absorbed, leaving pan uncovered. Add another cup of broth, and repeat. Don’t walk away from this, or it’ll burn on you and that would suck.

It should take about 25 minutes for all the broth to be absorbed into the rice. Just before the last addition, throw in the fresh tomatoes, and follow with the last of the hot broth. Season to taste. Once the last of the liquid is absorbed, turn off the heat and let stand for five minutes before serving.

Verdict:  needs something.  Probably those herbs I don’t have.  I think shiitakes would be even better than the portobellos, and next time, I think I’ll do all mushrooms.

Name that innuendo!

Go visit Terrance for a commercial from New Zealand that brings the double entendres.

All I can say is, I’m not surprised a gay guy had to look up “beef curtains.” ;)

Defining your terms

I’ve never really been on board the Fat Acceptance, capital letters, train. For one thing, its goals are unclear to me: sometimes they seem to be about Acceptance of Fat People (i.e., nondiscrimination in accommodations and jobs; the right to be treated with dignity by health care providers; the recognition that there has never been any good scientific evidence of fat as a cause of various conditions; fighting the whole “obesity crisis,” etc.), and sometimes they seem to be about Acceptance of Fat (i.e., body acceptance). I am completely and totally down with the Acceptance of Fat People part of it. The reason I can’t get on board the train is the Acceptance of Fat aspect of it, and how it’s being used by some of the people in the movement as a litmus test, particularly in regard to weight loss being seen as a “betrayal” of the movement. Continue reading ‘Defining your terms’

We all have to examine our shit. But sometimes, the only thing that’s there is corn.

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but the whole “Free Monty” thing over the past few days really brought it home. I found it fascinating how my post about the comparison of the purchase of a puppy from a responsible breeder to slavery being offensive morphed into a far more general discussion of pet ownership, animal status and why Jessica should have to answer for every little thing she does just because she’s a big feminist blogger.

It kind of blew up bigger, and more unexpectedly, than I thought it would. I guess I’ve been away from Feministe for too long, and I’ve forgotten the megaphone aspect of it. Also, people’s reluctance to talk about race.

That megaphone thing, incidentally, is why I’m posting this here and not on Feministe. I really don’t want another damn blogwar, or a rehash of inter-feminist disputes over old issues, or god forbid, more attention from Carol Lloyd. Here, the traffic is low enough that a productive discussion can take place (if anyone comments at all), and nobody that I’m going to name later on has to feel that I’m using the big stick rather than just trying to work out some issues and areas of difference.

So, onward. I’m here to talk about ownership, but not ownership of animals. Ownership of high-traffic bloggers and other figures of some reknown.

One of the themes that went through the Monty posts before I stuck my nose in was that multiple people felt entitled to scold Jessica and demand that she answer their questions, right now, about where she got her puppy. The reason for the demand was, frequently, that Jessica has an obligation as a feminist to justify her choices on feminist grounds, and if she’s going to post something on a feminist website, she damn well better be prepared to have people asking her questions about it, because she put it out there. And when Jessica, who was traveling, didn’t answer those questions right away, the demands got more and more scolding, and more and more, well, demanding.

Some other commenters responded by saying either that where Jessica got her puppy is not a feminist issue, or even if it is, are we not entitled to have fun or joy without subjecting it to feminist analysis?

That’s not to say that there aren’t legitimate questions to be raised, and there were, in fact, legitimate questions raised. But there were also accusations hurled, there was scolding, there was hectoring. And there was an undercurrent of ownership, as well: Jessica’s influential and famous and authoritative and a lot of people read her blog, so she HAS to answer. She’s putting herself out there, so she can’t expect to be able to cut off discussion by saying something’s personal, or that she doesn’t want to discuss it. She. Owes. Us.

And here’s what I have to say: being a high-traffic blogger does not make anyone public property. And as much as people raise “the personal is political” as a reason for high-traffic bloggers to have to justify their personal choices, that’s rather a corruption of Carol Hanish’s original argument, which was that discussions of women’s oppression were not mere navel-gazing or matters for women to solve individually, but discussions about a political problem that required a political solution:

They could sometimes admit that women were oppressed (but only by “the system”) and said that we should have equal pay for equal work, and some other “rights.” But they belittled us no end for trying to bring our so-called “personal problems” into the public arena - especially “all those body issues” like sex, appearance, and abortion. Our demands that men share the housework and childcare were likewise deemed a personal problem between a woman and her individual man. The opposition claimed if women would just “stand up for themselves” and take more responsibility for their own lives, they wouldn’t need to have an independent movement for women’s liberation. What personal initiative wouldn’t solve, they said, “the revolution” would take care of if we would just shut up and do our part. Heaven forbid that we should point out that men benefit from oppressing women.

In other words, “the personal is political” was never meant as a club to beat individual women with for not living up to some kind of feminist ideal in their individual lives, but as a call for putting “women’s issues” onto the same political footing as men’s issues.

High-traffic bloggers are still people, and aren’t exactly making a ton of money from blogging. I’ve never seen a dime from Feministe, for instance, and I know that Jill puts the ad money back into the site. Everyone who posts at Feministing has other jobs, as do the bloggers at Pandagon (that some of them have parlayed their success in attracting an audience into paying work does not change the fact that they’re not making a living from blogging). In fact, I can’t post under my real name because I don’t want to lose the job that pays the bills (if you knew my real name, you could find out easily where I work, because attorneys are listed in a number of directories). So for all the talk of fame and authority and influence, there’s not a whole lot of reward attached to it, and at least in my case, a considerable amount of risk. And in any event, that fame is fame on the internet, which doesn’t really count for much in the wider world.

But there are an awful lot of people who, just because they read you and just because a lot of other people read you, think that you have to act a certain way or be a certain way or write about certain things and no others. And they think they have a right to demand that you act, be or write about what they want you to act, be or write about. Or they think they have a right to attack you personally for how you act, who you are, or what you write if it doesn’t fit in with some kind of Platonic ideal of a feminist blogger.

Every now and again, Atrios will post a reminder that he doesn’t owe his readers anything, that he doesn’t have to pay attention to your pet cause, that he doesn’t have to write what you demand he writes. I used to think that was over the top and unduly harsh, but then the whole “Fun Feminist” blowup happened. Short summary: Jill wrote a “quote of the day” post quoting Twisty about how the reason that so many women hang onto the trappings of femininity is that doing so is not a sign of empowerment, but a survival skill in the patriarchy. A debate ensued in the comments about how much of a duty women have to examine their motivations for dressing up in feminine trappings (which kind of missed Twisty’s original point). In a subsequent post, Jill decided to examine her own interest in feminine trappings while being quite aware that they were somewhat problematic in the larger scope of her feminism.

Things got rather interesting.

Both in comments, and in at least one blog posting, people started attacking Jill personally for her choices, and questioning her commitment to feminism. She’d already examined her shit quite thoroughly and publicly, but somehow, this wasn’t enough. She had to show that she felt really bad about it, or something (those demanding that she feel bad never really got around to saying what they wanted her to do, beyond feel shitty). She no longer deserved to be listened to. She no longer had any place in the movement — even though the people castigating her for her impurity were hardly without stain themselves.

But the creepiest aspect of all was the number of people who asserted ownership over Jill because they’d decided that she was a feminist role model, and felt entitled to demand explanations from her. I think Ron Sullivan summed up what was happening quite well in this comment:

Not to spoil the fun, but for the sake of a few commenters who seem to have missed it: The big stinky pile in the punchbowl isn’t grooming (for values of “grooming” broad enough to include stuff I’d never subject myself to) but the weird 20th-century idea of the “role model” that has somehow grown to include the sub-idea th[at] one can declare someone else a role model and therefore feel entitled to give that person orders.

What the fuck? What the fuckin fuck? As my little sister (not that one) would say.

As Ilyka said on her blog:

I am not a role model: You’d think people would have wrapped their heads around this back when Charles Barkley first said it, but no. Some people still think that if your audience is large enough, you’re a role model regardless of your own wishes in that regard, and you’d better behave in accordance with the bylaws of Rolemodelville, population You.

And as I said:

Molly, Jill’s not your little monkey. She doesn’t have to dance for you just because you put her on a pedestal.

And really, that’s what we’re seeing with Jessica and Monty. Because a lot of people read Jessica, and have decided that she’s a feminist role model, that means that they feel that they can give Jessica orders, and Jessica has to respond. It meant that Molly could declare Jill a role model and declare that because she waxes, she’s not worth listening to because she’s failed as a role model, a job which she never agreed to take on:

At the risk of sounding like Britney Spears, I’m gonna go ahead and throw it out there: I am not a role model.

I am, however, a feminist. And you can try and take away my membership card, but I’m still going to claim it.

I’m a 23-year-old kid trying to get through law school, get a job, and make it through my daily life. I also blog sometimes. Blogging is not my job. I don’t get paid for it, and while it’s important to me, I don’t construct my identity around it.

Aside from the whole ownership aspect, there’s the idea that, just because someone posts something on the internet, it’s up for any and all discussion and the person who posted it has no expectation of being able to claim privacy. I think that’s utter bullshit, it’s dehumanizing, and akin to “she asked for it.” It didn’t fly when the AutoAdmit assholes were swiping Jill’s picture for use in their wankfest, and it doesn’t fly here.