Mysteries of the Sexes Explained! And, oddly enough, those explanations serve to reinforce traditional gender roles.
Ladies, if you want to keep your man, lie to him to make him jealous, but not too jealous. You want to be sure to be firmly under his thumb, but not crushed by it.
Step one: Make him think you’re cheating.
Stay Up Later Than He Does
And make sure you’re logged in. When he says he’s going to bed, tell him you’ll be in later, that you just have a few things to look up on the computer. Not that he doesn’t trust you and not that you’re going to check up on an ex or two, but he doesn’t know that.
And his wandering mind may just think you’re up to something. And the thought that you might be means that you’ll soon be getting more attention than David Beckham in the Los Angeles airport.
Invite the papparazzi into your bedroom!
Remember, under no circumstances should you stay up later because you’re doing something you enjoy.
Step two: Pretend to have a social life that does not include him.
Have Drinks with Friends
He knows you talk. He knows you talk more when you’re with friends, especially when you add drinks to the mix. And he cares deeply about how he’s portrayed in your version of the media - that is, your social network - and how he stacks up against other men. Go out and compare notes with the girls, and selectively report back on the findings of the kangaroo court. He may be less likely to give you damning evidence to report.
The only reason you should have friends of your own, ladies, is to make him jealous of the time you spend with them. In no time at all, he’ll be chaining you to the radiator and monitoring your calls! You’ll have no end of his attentions then.
Step three: Feign an interest in something he likes.
Click on ESPN.com
Read up on the latest sports happenings, and bring them up later to your man. When he asks how the heck you knew Padraig Harrington won the British Open, tell him that a couple guys from work were talking about it.
The thought of you playing Erin Andrews (sports reporter for ESPN since 2004 … C’mon, stay with me here!) around the coffee machine will make him steam without totally burning. (Note: Anything you do with male colleagues that’s potentially frisky will infuriate him - and can potentially backfire on you.)
Because we all know that women only talk about sports when they want to flirt with other men! And it’s so charming when he won’t let you leave the house for work lest you have frisky sports-related conversations around the coffeepot. But you’ll know you have him wrapped around your finger then. If your finger isn’t too scalded from getting hot coffee thrown on it by a jealous boyfriend.
Step four: Make him think you might be better at something than he is, but let him win.
Whoop Him
Challenge him in something physical - whether it’s in an upcoming 5K or in your regular yoga class. It’s hard for even the least competitive men not to feel antsy when his woman is stronger, faster, or more flexible than he is.
He’ll say it doesn’t bother him when you cross the finish line first or scratch your ears with your toes. Plus, research shows that even a little healthy competition can ignite your sex life. Don’t push the Venus Williams act too hard, though, or he’ll wonder if his losing streak will send you in search of a man who’s faster, stronger, and better.
Or he’ll go after you with a tennis racket.
You know what my husband says when I want to go work on a hobby that bores him to tears, like knitting?
He says, “Have a good time — I’ll see you later.” And then he goes back to doing whatever it is he does on the computer.
Weird, isn’t it? It’s like we’re not playing ridiculous mind games at all, which everyone knows is the cornerstone of all hetero relationships.
This is really sort of staggering - we’re not supposed to actually have friends and interests that make us more well-rounded and interesting to be with, we’re supposed to do all the same stuff as well-rounded, interesting people, but only to get his attention, and then drop it because nobody likes a showoff.
Or, in shorter form, pretend you’re not really fucking boring but make sure he knows you really are.
This thing is a trophy wife’s manifesto.
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.
I do almost all of these things (except gossip about sports at work, I’m a SAHM). I stay up late because I write and that’s when I write best. I talk to my friends because they’re my friends, and I am three belts higher than my husband in karate because I love karate and do it more. It would never occur to me to do these things to *spice up* our relationship. Our relationship doesn’t particularly need spicing - perhaps because I’m not so completely wrapped up in him, him and only him that I’ve become completely boring?
Good lord. The contempt expressed for MEN in that advice is staggering. It might as well say “remember he’s an idiot and treat him accordingly, because it’s obvious he couldn’t just be, say, an adult”.
Ack. It’s almost as bad as those “CUAO” Rules Girls boards.
And here I’d been wasting my time in that damn statis chamber until the husband got home.
It’s so nice that they’re paying 12-year-olds to write relationship articles these days. It’s much better money than the crappy $1 an hour I used to get for babysitting!
This advice is rather successful at insulting women and men alike. Why would I possibly be interested in someone who is manipulating me?
Poke your man with a pin. It’ll remind him you’re there and that you’re not afraid to take the initiative. Remember not to poke him with a syringe full of bleach!